Post by Whitey Ford on Oct 23, 2009 15:23:03 GMT -4
::The fans are mulling about in the arena after a scrub match between two nobodies who were no doubt related to Crazy Bill in some way, judging by their talent. A rocket is heard cutting through the air overhead, which gets the bored crowds attention. As the sound reaches the titantron, an explosion of red pyrotechnics rocks the stage. 'Whitey' by Everlast starts to play, and everybody is on their feet.::
MTMT: Are you kidding me? Whitey's cutting a promo here in the AWA?
Jesse Ventura: I bet he's the one behind the attacks on the New Connection!
MTMT: I doubt...well, you never know with Whitey. Once he painted himself grey and made everyone call him 'Payne'.
Jesse Ventura: Don't remind us.
::Sure enough, Whitey walks out onto the stage with the EPWF Extreme PPV Championship Title in his hand. The fans are going nuts. The bright lights of the arena seem to be too much for Whitey, and he puts on a pair of sunglasses before heading down the entrance ramp and rolling into the ring under the bottom rope. Whitey asks for a microphone, and a ring attendant tosses it to him. Ford waits for his music to cut, and goes to speak, but the fans cheering is too loud for him to be heard. He just smiles and shakes his head, waiting for them to quiet down a bit. A moment later, he looks at the EPWF title in his hand, then up at the crowd.::
Whitey Ford: I really think that I should slow down on my drinking.
::This warrants a laugh from the fans.::
Jesse Ventura: Well, thats a first.
Whitey Ford: I actually woke up the other morning using this title as a pillow. Not because I'm overjoyed to have it or anything; titles at this point in my career are just more or less a formality. I was so hammered that I fell asleep on it. Hell, I couldn't even remember where I got the damn thing. I actually went around the arena asking people if they were missing a belt until I saw footage of me beating Frankie Rotten.
MTMT: I wouldn't doubt it.
Whitey Ford: Even though it shows that people are capable of great things when they are totally shitfaced, it also shows that I should stop drinking so much. Actually, the AWA and EPWF as a whole should lay off the sauce, at least for a week. Think about it. Ripper and AJ are going through the beginning phase of dating. Ripper wants it to be a serious relationship, but AJ just wants a fling. I feel bad for the big Scottish bastard...he should stop hanging out with men who have vaginas.
Jesse Ventura: Was he talking about Scorpion or AJ?
::The fans laugh again.::
Whitey Ford: And there has even been talk of me being behind the recent attacks on the New Connection and Anthony Jordan. Let me inform you, even if it was me...well, I just wouldn't tell you anyways. But wouldn't you think my attacks would be a bit more creative and artsy? A cryptic message left on the bathroom mirror or something? A scream mask in the corner, so everyone thinks AWA is promoting Scary Movie 5? I would have done it so much better.
MTMT: I guess that makes sense.
Whitey Ford: Anywho. The EPWF champion is Enforcer, by just as clean of methods as I became the Extreme champion. How the hell does a guy with a record of 23 wins and 198 losses become champion? Is the talent pool of the EPWF that bad?
::Again, the fans laugh. Nobody likes the thought of Enforcer being champion.::
Whitey Ford: God damn, the championship scene in both federations is horrible. David Slam the second is champion? Did I get that right, or was something lost in the translation of his broken english? Ripper and AJ must've gotten hammered! I don't understand how anybody from the Slam bloodline can become the champion of the AWA. This is the real deal, people. Not the special olympics. Up your game a little bit.
MTMT: That was harsh.
Whitey Ford: Seriously, Ripper. If I can win the EPWF Extreme PPV Title when I'm blackout drunk and not even scheduled to be in the match...then you can win the AWA Undisputed Title from a man who some may call legally retarded.
::The fans are enjoying every minute of Whiteys rundown of the AWA roster. Just as he's about to continue on, a loud high pitched yell is heard.::
The Freak: Wait, Whitey! Wait!
::The Freak comes running from the backstage area with his own microphone. Ford just rolls his eyes as Freak jumps on the apron and tumbles less than gracefully inside the ring.::
The Freak: Whitey! I told you to wait for me, I was only gonna be a minute. We're a team, man! I go where you go!
Whitey Ford: Well, Freak...you were pretty pre-occupid with a lady friend last night. I didn't want to drag you out of your room and cockblock you from afternoon, just-woke-up-from-hell sex.
::The Freak smiles bashfully.::
The Freak: I can't even remember what she looked like...but god! What a minx in the sack.
Whitey Ford: Huh. Thats funny.
::Ford puts his hands in his pockets and whistles innocently. The Freak's back is turned to the titantron, so he's focused on Whiteys little act. A picture comes up on the bigscreen that makes everyone in attendance double up. The Freak is at a bar, and a woman weighing at least twice his weight and standing a good half foot taller than him. Freak appears to be in heaven, but there is no doubt that he's had way too much to drink.::
The Freak: What? Why is that funny? Was she cute?
::Whitey can't hold the straight face anymore, and breaks a smile. He nods towards the titantron, and Freak turns around. After a few moments of blank faced staring at the horrid picture, The Freak falls flat on his face in a Ric Flair style flop.::
Jesse Ventura: Hey Matt, isn't that your second wife?
MTMT: No...she looks like she could eat my second wife.
::Whitey helps his friend to his feet, standing him up next to a turnbuckle. The Freak starts to speak, his lip trembling as he tries to regain some composure and some pride.::
The Freak: Fat women need loving too.
Whitey: I agree. Just not from me or anybody else with standards.
::The Freak winces, obviously still trying to brush off the incident without too much hassle.::
The Freak: Whitey, your really shallow. All vagina's are like snowflakes...unique and different than all the others in some way.
::Whitey pauses, an eyebrow raised.::
Whitey Ford: Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm going to try and catch them all on my tongue.
::The Freak almost vomits in the ring, despite the fans enjoyment of it all. Waving his hand as a sign of submission, Freak darts from the ring and starts heading up the ramp, still looking sick.::
Whitey Ford: Ladies and gents, that is yet another reason why both federations need to stop drinking so heavily.
::Whitey by Everlast starts to play again, and Ford holds his strangely obtained title over his head for the fans to see.::
MTMT: Are you kidding me? Whitey's cutting a promo here in the AWA?
Jesse Ventura: I bet he's the one behind the attacks on the New Connection!
MTMT: I doubt...well, you never know with Whitey. Once he painted himself grey and made everyone call him 'Payne'.
Jesse Ventura: Don't remind us.
::Sure enough, Whitey walks out onto the stage with the EPWF Extreme PPV Championship Title in his hand. The fans are going nuts. The bright lights of the arena seem to be too much for Whitey, and he puts on a pair of sunglasses before heading down the entrance ramp and rolling into the ring under the bottom rope. Whitey asks for a microphone, and a ring attendant tosses it to him. Ford waits for his music to cut, and goes to speak, but the fans cheering is too loud for him to be heard. He just smiles and shakes his head, waiting for them to quiet down a bit. A moment later, he looks at the EPWF title in his hand, then up at the crowd.::
Whitey Ford: I really think that I should slow down on my drinking.
::This warrants a laugh from the fans.::
Jesse Ventura: Well, thats a first.
Whitey Ford: I actually woke up the other morning using this title as a pillow. Not because I'm overjoyed to have it or anything; titles at this point in my career are just more or less a formality. I was so hammered that I fell asleep on it. Hell, I couldn't even remember where I got the damn thing. I actually went around the arena asking people if they were missing a belt until I saw footage of me beating Frankie Rotten.
MTMT: I wouldn't doubt it.
Whitey Ford: Even though it shows that people are capable of great things when they are totally shitfaced, it also shows that I should stop drinking so much. Actually, the AWA and EPWF as a whole should lay off the sauce, at least for a week. Think about it. Ripper and AJ are going through the beginning phase of dating. Ripper wants it to be a serious relationship, but AJ just wants a fling. I feel bad for the big Scottish bastard...he should stop hanging out with men who have vaginas.
Jesse Ventura: Was he talking about Scorpion or AJ?
::The fans laugh again.::
Whitey Ford: And there has even been talk of me being behind the recent attacks on the New Connection and Anthony Jordan. Let me inform you, even if it was me...well, I just wouldn't tell you anyways. But wouldn't you think my attacks would be a bit more creative and artsy? A cryptic message left on the bathroom mirror or something? A scream mask in the corner, so everyone thinks AWA is promoting Scary Movie 5? I would have done it so much better.
MTMT: I guess that makes sense.
Whitey Ford: Anywho. The EPWF champion is Enforcer, by just as clean of methods as I became the Extreme champion. How the hell does a guy with a record of 23 wins and 198 losses become champion? Is the talent pool of the EPWF that bad?
::Again, the fans laugh. Nobody likes the thought of Enforcer being champion.::
Whitey Ford: God damn, the championship scene in both federations is horrible. David Slam the second is champion? Did I get that right, or was something lost in the translation of his broken english? Ripper and AJ must've gotten hammered! I don't understand how anybody from the Slam bloodline can become the champion of the AWA. This is the real deal, people. Not the special olympics. Up your game a little bit.
MTMT: That was harsh.
Whitey Ford: Seriously, Ripper. If I can win the EPWF Extreme PPV Title when I'm blackout drunk and not even scheduled to be in the match...then you can win the AWA Undisputed Title from a man who some may call legally retarded.
::The fans are enjoying every minute of Whiteys rundown of the AWA roster. Just as he's about to continue on, a loud high pitched yell is heard.::
The Freak: Wait, Whitey! Wait!
::The Freak comes running from the backstage area with his own microphone. Ford just rolls his eyes as Freak jumps on the apron and tumbles less than gracefully inside the ring.::
The Freak: Whitey! I told you to wait for me, I was only gonna be a minute. We're a team, man! I go where you go!
Whitey Ford: Well, Freak...you were pretty pre-occupid with a lady friend last night. I didn't want to drag you out of your room and cockblock you from afternoon, just-woke-up-from-hell sex.
::The Freak smiles bashfully.::
The Freak: I can't even remember what she looked like...but god! What a minx in the sack.
Whitey Ford: Huh. Thats funny.
::Ford puts his hands in his pockets and whistles innocently. The Freak's back is turned to the titantron, so he's focused on Whiteys little act. A picture comes up on the bigscreen that makes everyone in attendance double up. The Freak is at a bar, and a woman weighing at least twice his weight and standing a good half foot taller than him. Freak appears to be in heaven, but there is no doubt that he's had way too much to drink.::
The Freak: What? Why is that funny? Was she cute?
::Whitey can't hold the straight face anymore, and breaks a smile. He nods towards the titantron, and Freak turns around. After a few moments of blank faced staring at the horrid picture, The Freak falls flat on his face in a Ric Flair style flop.::
Jesse Ventura: Hey Matt, isn't that your second wife?
MTMT: No...she looks like she could eat my second wife.
::Whitey helps his friend to his feet, standing him up next to a turnbuckle. The Freak starts to speak, his lip trembling as he tries to regain some composure and some pride.::
The Freak: Fat women need loving too.
Whitey: I agree. Just not from me or anybody else with standards.
::The Freak winces, obviously still trying to brush off the incident without too much hassle.::
The Freak: Whitey, your really shallow. All vagina's are like snowflakes...unique and different than all the others in some way.
::Whitey pauses, an eyebrow raised.::
Whitey Ford: Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm going to try and catch them all on my tongue.
::The Freak almost vomits in the ring, despite the fans enjoyment of it all. Waving his hand as a sign of submission, Freak darts from the ring and starts heading up the ramp, still looking sick.::
Whitey Ford: Ladies and gents, that is yet another reason why both federations need to stop drinking so heavily.
::Whitey by Everlast starts to play again, and Ford holds his strangely obtained title over his head for the fans to see.::