Your Early Christmas Present

["The Aussie Icon" Croc]

(The show comes back from a commercial break with the camera showing AWA crew members are working furiously to clean up the ring after the carnage of the previous match. Suddenly the area plunges into complete darkness. Five spotlights start to circle around the arena. The crowd is quiet, unaware of what is happening.)


(MTMT)
What is going on?

(VENTURA)
If this is what I think it is... I'm excited!!!


(The five spotlights converge onto the entrance way and triggers a loud and extended pyro explosion. As the sound of the fireworks cease, there is a moment of utter silence. The familiar riff of "Breakstuff" by Limp Bizkit blasts through the PA system and the crowd goes nuts)


(VENTURA)
YES! YES! YES!

(MTMT)
Oh my god! Could it be true!

(VENTURA)
YES! YES! YES!

(MTMT)
I really hope that was your chair that just touched my leg!


(The crowd is going nuts and the roar rises in intensity as the legendary "Aussie Icon" appears from the settling smoke.)


(VENTURA)
It's him. Oh my it is really him.

(MTMT)
That is correct Jesse. It's the legendary "Aussie Icon" Croc. He has not been around here for well over a year.


(Croc is dressed in what appears to be a very expensive grey suit, white shirt and gold tie. He stands at the top of the ramp for a few seconds, looking out at the crowd, seemingly soaking in the atmosphere. Croc begins to walk down the ramp and has his trademark cocky swagger and smug smirk. The last few steps before the ring, Croc does a quick dash and slides underneath the bottom rope, before springing off the mat and stands in the centre of the ring.)


(MTMT)
One of the most controversial and legendary figures in our history has just made a dramatic and shocking return.

(VENTURA)
This is the best day of my life. I thought I would never see this legend ever grace our ring again.


(Croc walks over and grabs a microphone. He moves back to the centre of the ring and waits for the crowd to become silent. As the crowd becomes silent, a crowd member is heard to yell "You Still Suck Croc!" Croc spins his head around in the direction of the audience member)


(CROC)
F**k you too!


(Croc shakes his head)


(CROC)
All day I was thinking of what my first words in the AWA would be after such a long absence... Then some jerk ruins it!


(Croc scratches his head)


(CROC)
I was going to say something that was powerful, moving and inspirational... Something that has never been said by a returning superstar...


(Croc pauses)


(CROC)
Something like.... I'M BAAAAAAAACKKKKKKK!!!!!


(Croc nods his head, seemingly impressed with his choice)


(CROC)
Or go into a speech like.... If you have forgotten who the hell I am, I am the legendary.... The one and only... The Superstar... The Aussie Icon... CROC!


(The crowd roars)


(CROC)
But you sir f**ked everything up!


(The crowd plays along and boos the crowd member Croc is referring to. The camera pans over and shows the fan, who is quite a large man. Croc is looking up at the big screen and sees the man, who is wearing a "Crazy Bill" t-shirt)


(CROC)
Of course it had to be an idiotic Crazy Bill fan... How many times do I have to tell you stupid Crazy Bill fans... It wasn't my fault your hero sucked so much compared to me.


(Mixed response from the crowd with some laughs and some boos)


(CROC)
Moving on... It is true, I am here. You people at home can stop masturbating to anime porn on the internet, take your hand off your dick and ring your friends because the reason for watching the AWA has returned. Gone are the days of same old, same old... The return of the glory days of Croc have returned.


(Loud roar from the crowd)


(CROC)
Unfortunately it had to begin in the shithole town of Albany!


(The roaring cheers for Croc instantly turn to roaring boos as the crowd turns on the Aussie Icon)


(CROC)
I have been gone for something like two years... I get a call from the AWA board telling me all this stuff about how exciting it would be for me to return and how the AWA has come on in leaps and bounds. I was thinking expansion and when they mailed out my flight from Sydney to New York, I thought for sure that I would be standing in the middle of Maddison Square Garden in front of thousands upon thousands of people and millions upon millions at home...


(Croc shakes his head)


(CROC)
My hotel was even on Fifth Avenue and as I walked onto the balcony of my penthouse hotel room, I could smell the cool air and I could smell the anticipation of my debut in the legendary Garden.


(Croc points down to his suit)


(CROC)
I even went out and brought this very expensive suit. The limo was booked for me. I originally thought it was going to be a short trip for an early show... But then I looked through the window and saw the Garden pass me by and it wasn't until we got out of New York that I realised I had been duped. I was going back along the familiar road that seems to have such a steep slope, because to get to this backward ass, shithole of a town, you must drive down the biggest slope to get to the low depths of Albany!


(The crowd is going nuts, booing Croc with great volume)


(CROC)
I thought I was going to debut in front of celebrities and powerful business men and women... Instead my debut is in front of....


(Croc looks like he is going to vomit)


(CROC)
You people....


(Loud boos)


(CROC)
Some of you don't even have any teeth!


(Croc is utterly disgusted and the look on his face clearly shows this)


(CROC)
But sitting in the back of this dingy arena, which I might add is not even worthy enough of having me take a dump in their disease ridden restrooms...


(Croc is pacing around the ring)


(CROC)
It dawned on me why the AWA board had chased me so hard. They flew out to Australia to beg me in person to return on a short term contract. They threw money at me and the amount of money I am being paid made me even believe, maybe I was being overpaid... Then I realised who I was and demanded, and was granted a pay increase. But today it made so much sense why the board did what they did...


(Croc pauses and the smug smirk appears)


(CROC)
The AWA NEEDS me... For nearly two years, the AWA has floundered because their superstar and money maker was absent. I am the reason the people at home tune in... I am the reason the sponsors throw money at the company to be associated with my name... And I am the reason people buy pay per views...


(Crowd boos)


(CROC)
You people may not know it yet, but every single person in the back is applauding me right now... Why? Because they have just had the amount of persons who know their name triple and one day, they will now be able to tell their grandchildren that they too got their ass kicked by the legendary Aussie Icon....[/color]

[AWA Staff]

(OMG! I am not worthy.....::faints:: )

[Gregory "Ripper" Kennedy]

:: As Croc finishes his opening tirade. The lights dim down and the titantron begins flashing random alphanumeric characters . ::

Jesse Venture: “This place really is falling apart. Also who would interrupt a great man like Croc.”

MTMT: “I have a feeling he was finished Jesse.”

:: Eventually the symbols melt away to form a green line across the bottom of the titantron, which turns into an equalizer as “Headstrong” blasts out of the PA system. A few of the fans who have followed the history of the AWA for a long time let out a collective gasp and hopefull cheer as most of them just wait in tension as the music continues building. ::

Jesse Ventura: “Please no.”

:: As the music reached a peak a green firework is set off from the lighting rig above the ring which impacts at the top of the entrance ramp causing two columns of green fire to ignite from either side of the staging area. As the fire dies down a man emerges from the entrance corridor. The man stands at about six and a half feet, not overly muscular but rather lean for wrestlers of his size. He is wearing a pair of black jeans and an open shirt showing of a well defined, heavily tattooed chest. His hair is short and spiked.::

Jesse Ventura: “Oh god it is.”


:: Indeed just as Jesse identifies who it is so does the crowd causing a huge cheer to go up. The fans identify “The Hardcore Madman” Gregory ‘“The Virus” Ripper’ Kennedy. Ripper raises his arms to the huge cheers and begins to walk down the ramp to the ring. Inside the ring Croc looks confused, shocked but overall annoyed at the man who many have claimed “ruined his career”.::

MTMT: “Gregory Kennedy better known to most as Ripper has returned as well. This truly is a great day for the AWA!”

Jesse Ventura: “It was a great day until he showed up.”

:: Reaching the ring Ripper walks up the ring steps and goes to step into the ring however, lowers his foot quickly and spins a la Chris Jericho facing out to the fans who explode with a sea of cheers and flashbulbs. With a smile spread across his face Ripper ducks under the top rope and jumps into the middle of the ring. Jumping across the ring and onto the middle ring rope for the fans opposite where he entered who again explode with more cheers and more flashbulbs. Reaching through the ropes he grabs a microphone from the ring hand as the music dies down. Ripper goes to speak however, is stopped by a large “Welcome Back” cheer that erupts. ::

Jesse Ventura: “Have I told you that the fans are idiots?”

MTMT: “Many times. I ignore you every time.”

:: Ripper once again goes to speak into the microphone however, stops. This time it isn’t the crowd however but Ripper who stops. Pulling the microphone away he looks at it before throwing it back out of the ring. Holding up one finger in the “One minute” signal he proceeds to clear his throat then raises his arm up to the sky. Indeed from the rafters an old style metal microphone on a wire is lowered. Ripper catches it and smiles before raising it to talk.::

Ripper: “It’s the one thing that guy got right.”

Jesse Ventura: “A thief as well. Why did we let him back in?”

Ripper: “Wow. Where to begin? Do I bother saying ‘hello’? It seems rather redundant. I’ll forgo the usual ‘I’m back, I’m awesome I’M RIPPER!”

:: The fans of course shout back the returning “RIPPER” as Ripper laughs at his own joke in the ring. Croc still seems less than impressed and rolls his eyes::

Ripper: “I kill myself.”

Jesse Ventura: “I wish he’d hurry up about it.”

Ripper: “Croc. Croccy, Croccy, Croc. Five seconds back and you’ve already turned back into the same old Croc blabbing on about how awesome you are and how everyone else sucks. I mean yes I know Crazy Bill is a fat, bloated, child eating, psychopath with a body odour that would make most African land mammals blush but that’s no need to make fun of his fans. They need our sympathy not our mocking.”

:: The majority of fans cheer realizing that Ripper is just kidding around however, the more stalwart Crazy Bill fans do boo him. Ripper shrugs it off and continues on::


Ripper: “Now you see Croc I was through in the back while you were making that speech and not a single person was applauding. We were all holding our heads in despair at having to listen to your prima donna little rants for another three months. We got sick of them back in the days of the Anti-Croc League.”

Jesse Ventura: “Second worst group ever.”

MTMT: “Who were the worst?”

Jesse Ventura: “Hanson.”

Ripper: “I didn’t return today just to combat you. I came back because I wanted too. I’ve been sitting at home for the better part of a year doing very little. I wrote another book. Wrote another screen play, remember how good Dimension Dummies and Celsius four-one-one were? Yeah they were great. Still available on DVD.”

:: Ripper nods to the crowd who give a celebratory pop at the obvious merchandising::

Jesse Ventura: “Still available because no one will buy them.”

Ripper: “And I decided life was getting boring. You see you can only prank call AJ and old-man Bland so many times before it gets repetitive… or they stop picking up. So I decided that, you know what. I’ll come back. I’ll make a special guest appearance tonight for one night only just to see how things are going. Of course I had to pick the night where Ms. Aguilera herself had to make an appearance. I hate to break it to you Croc but you are not the reason people tune in. You are the reason people tune out. You are the reason that people send death threats, the reason that babies cry, puppies die and terrorists attack. Ok, maybe the last one is a bit far but the first two are definite.”

Jesse Ventura: “As non-sensical as ever”

Ripper: “Nobody cares what you have to say, nobody cares what you do and nobody cares about your merchandise. Before you start giving me any of this “I’m the biggest superstar in Australia” bull you always come up with that’s because after Steve Irwin died you are the ONLY superstar that Australia has and in all honesty I wouldn’t be surprised to find out you paid the stingray to do it.”

:: Ripper takes a breath to stare right into Croc’s eyes before continuing::

Ripper: “You see Croc the real reason from now on that people are going to tune in is the person standing right in front of you. The Hardcore Madman, the most charismatic, the role model, The Superstar, The Hitman, Stone Cold, The Awesome one, The Virus. People tune in to see me…because I’M RIPPER!”

:: Ripper lowers the microphone as the crowd provide the echo. After waiting for about ten second he follows up the echo with a second “Ripper” into the microphone::

["The Aussie Icon" Croc]

(The crowd is going nuts as the loud RIPPER chant continues. Croc is just looking at Ripper with a look of total distain. Croc moves over to the side of the ring where the announcers table and other officials are situated)


(CROC)
Can we do a re-take of this segment cause Ripper just ruined it!


(One of the television executives says something to Croc)


(CROC)
What do you mean this is live television. Surely we must have been in a commercial break.


(The television executive shakes his head)


(CROC)
Do you mean that people just had to witness that garbage spewing out of his mouth... Surely the subtitle dude could not have kept up!


(Croc looks over to the announcers table)


(CROC)
And do you mean to tell me that the AWA still has the poster boy of the mentally challenged, MTMT, still as the lead commentator... It must be a non-televised show if he is here!


(VENTURA)
I could not agree more with you Croc.


(Even Ripper shrugs his shoulders and nods his head agreeing with Croc. MTMT doesnt say a word, instead just glares at Croc. Croc turns back to Ripper)


(CROC)
And as for you... I really had hoped you were dead by now. I was positive of hearing about your death... I even flew across the world just to piss on your grave.


(Ripper just shakes his head and smirks at Croc)


(CROC)
But even though I can unfortunately see you are not dead, you just killed the wrestling industry by returning. I mean how many nicknames can you give yourself? I fell asleep halfway through your name introduction.


(Croc just scratches his head)


(CROC)
Have you learnt nothing? People want a compact, quick name they can easily spit out between their massive mouthfuls of whatever greasy crap they are shovling into their mouths...


(Croc points out to the crowd)


(CROC)
Most of these dumb ass losers can't speak sentences that have words greater than one syllabul and your spewing out and ripping off every single legends catchphrase...


(Croc points directly at Ripper)


(CROC)
And as for the stingray comment... I will let you know that I was found not guilty due to flaws in the circumstantial case against me. Stingrays don't have pockets nor can they hold a long enough conversation to accurately plan out the timely death of that over-rated Irwin.


(Crowd boos. Obviously the American people still love Steve Irwin)


(CROC)
You know this as well as I do.


(Croc moves a step closer to get right up in Ripper's face)


(CROC)
But something you don't seem to know is that you have never been able to stand in the same ring because my standard is a level you will just not reach. You can run around, telling your little jokes, trying to be the next English comedy act, but the only thing that makes me laugh is looking at your pathetic record. A record that is littered with "choking" and "never winning the big one". Your looking at the man who was able to take pressure and wear it like a badge of honour, because when the pressure was really on... When the expectations were at their highest... When the spotlight shined at its brightest... That is when I went to a whole new level and at this level, I have no peers. My record speaks for itself...


(Croc smirks)


(CROC)
What you've done in your career, I've done three times over and done it three times better! So when you are finished being the comedy relief of the show, go to the back and let the real wrestlers strut their stuff...


(Croc points to the back)


(CROC)
There is probably a Divas Battle Royal later tonight... That's probably more your level of competition.


(Croc arrogantly taps Ripper on the cheek in an extremely condesending manner.)